Beat Us To It

They were once like me

Caring and loving and always there

Then they stopped

Leaving you in a place of

Unrequited love and affection

So you had to change the way you did things

Locking it all away to avoid pain

Never wanting to be hurt again

Now with new love in your life

Your expectations are for

A repeat of the past

At least your actions say so

So you’ve already fast forwarded

To the part where you need not show affection

Now I stand here with all the extra

Looking into cold eyes

That feel a pain that I did not inflict

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30 Day Challenge – Day 05

Day 05 – A time you thought about ending your own life

Personally, I’m not really good on the subject of suicide. I’ve never attempted it, but I thought about it.

There were periods in my life when I felt like my existence meant little to nothing to those around me. I would think that if I were to go, no one would miss me. I didn’t find love where I wanted to, so I thought it wasn’t for me and ultimately, that this life wasn’t either.

With my fascination with ropes and knots, I would have probably hung myself. I found something to ground me and that was academia. I figured that I would put all of my focus and energy into that. The periods when I felt the worst are where you will find some of my best writing. That was another outlet that I used.

If anyone is feeling like they don’t matter. Trust me. You do. Just hold on and keep holding on. Someone loves you.

Haunting Choices

I’ve made many choices before
Some turned out better than others
And the rest
Well…
Lest just say that things could have been better
These choices left me in positions
Ones that I have not been in in a while
They almost erased my smile….

Look into my eyes and see the lonely tears
They watched on as their brothers and sister went before them
Across my face and onto the floor
They had no choice but to come forth from my eyes
My eyelids had no choice but to close
And with every beat another one slipped through
My heart is shattered into pieces
Yet every single piece loves you the same as the whole
Just the thought of you warms me
So I guess I know now
How to run from the cold
Though it would be better…
If your body I could hold

I made the choice to stay
Even though it was clear that it would cause me pain
When I was down and out I came back
Again and again
I will always remain out of sight and out of mind
Hurt by something they say is blind
I didn’t want the choice of any other than that one:
The one that I think of more than anything else
The one I love to see smile
The one that I love.

It was my choice
You were my choice
I was unable to change your mind
Stuck with the decision my heart made
Freedom is close
But these choices haunt me like ghosts
As sure as the sky is blue
There are still times
That I think of you
When I look back in the end
I’ll say that I would do it
All over again

Dreams Are Made of Glass

What do you do?

When all your dreams

No longer

Belong to you

When your life’s plans

End up

In another’s hand

The ideas

Created together

Are being used

To make another

Happy

What do you say?

When it’s all

Taken away?

In the blink of an eye

The basket with all the eggs

Hits the floor

Nothing for breakfast tomorrow

Where do you go

When the place

You once called home

Feels strange

Like it’s all

Rearranged

What do you do

When you realize

It was never for you

And they never

Loved you

Unexpected

How can the one who is supposed to care

Make you feel the way you do now?

You’re used to smiles and laughter

But there’s only tension when they’re around

One day there are high spirits

The next they are torn down

A back turned to you…mouth zipped shut

They no longer wish to talk

Anger, sadness, and issues

All displaced onto you…

There are other means of self-defense

Why is this the one that they choose?

It’s like the blame is all yours

Everything is your fault

And here comes their wrath

Now you’re alienated from them

Because they want nothing to do with you

Even though they may have been wrong

There is no looking back…

No apologies…

No reservation that wrong was done

They feel like the hurt one

They make look it too…

Because this is what you’re used to

On the outside you show confidence

While inside you have not a clue

Of what you should do…

They continue to act the same

While you aim for a little change

Fed up with all treatment

You accept the fact that you are no longer needed

If this is what they want…

Then…

So be it…

Long Forgotten

You just passed me by without even a look
Don’t remember me…do you?
I guess I can forgive you for the lapse
A good enough amount of time has passed
It all started with a note passed between two
You asked me how old I was
I replied that I was eighteen
You said that you were twenty-two
After I asked you the same
Next came…
The exchanging of the names

I had just gotten into this institution
While you were on your way out
Unlucky of us to become friend at that time
It would take a while to find out
You were more than a way home
More than all the meals we shared
I could sense something when around you
Like how much you really cared
Age was just a number to us
Because we were both kids at heart
Always in laughs and smiles from the start
Whispering back and forth in class
Playing table tennis right after
Then you would take me home
And we would wait to see each other…
The next day
If only things could have stayed
This way…

Life is so predictable at times
That the upcoming train wreck
Is hard to detect
Though we feel it drawing near
This institution was what kept us close
But as soon as you were free
There was no more use for me
So you left me alone for good
Texts went unanswered…
Calls went straight to the machine…
Never knew you to be this mean

What else could I do…but just let you go
Now years have gone by
Since the last time we talked
And that’s the way things must be
The two of us
Turned from friends
To simple
Memories…

Figment

I must have been delusional

In my mind we were heading for something

I could see it in the distance

In the haze it appeared

A future

A purpose

I was prepared to never look back

I stuck to that

No worries

Or doubts

Because that’s what I’m about

So we walked step by step

As we got closer

The image before me distorted

I tried not to question it

You didn’t seem bothered

When I got to where I thought I belonged

I realized that you were

No longer by my side

And the thing that were headed to

Dissipated

Right into thin air

And there I stood

Lost

Cursing you

And

Cursing the mirage

 

Can’t Escape

There’s not a day that goes by
That she isn’t on his mind
If he hadn’t ask for one before
Well, this is his sign
He tries his hardest to not think
But still, she is all he sees
No where to turn
When will he be able to break free?

A part of him likes that he sees her
Sometimes he goes out of his way to look
He is so caught up in this
He searches for her name in books
Every corner he banks
He wishes she would be on the other side
He is hurt a bit
When this wish is denied

His eyes see his un-winnable prize
And all he can do is sigh
He can’t turn away
And doesn’t know why
He decides he wants to see no more
Tries his hardest to think of anything else
But this is easier said than done
Nature and life wont offer any help
Maybe it’s a signal
That shows how much his heart yearns
Because for some reason
He sees her…
Everywhere he turns