In the Notes

Sad music isn’t used

To change my mood

You see

I play hide and seek

With my emotions

And the music

Is the only thing

That can bring them out

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Transference (Depression Series 04)

This was the night he was going to propose to her. He opened the box containing the ring and stared at it for a while. A tear ran down the right side of his face. It splattered on the concrete next to his foot. He took out the ring and let the box fall. It wasn’t much, but it reminded him of her. That’s why he got it for her in the first place.

Her memory was still fresh in his mind. He saw her everywhere he went and in everything he looked at. All the places they visited, he couldn’t go back to again. All the movies he watched with her, were no longer the same.

She lost the battle to depression. No. They lost. The night he lost her, he lost everything. It felt now that the depression was now hovering over his head like a dark cloud. It loomed over him. His gaze shifted from the ring to the flowing traffic ten stories below. His instep hung over the edge of the roof. All he had to do was lean forward and it would be over. All the sadness and all the pain. It would all just go away.

He rolled the ring across the tips of his fingers from pinky to thumb and back again. He used to do it with a coin. It was the one thing that he would always do to make her smile. No matter how many times he showed her, the coin would barely make it to the middle finger before falling. Then she’d laugh and snort. Every time. He focused on her smile. Her smile. He smiled then. He could still do that. It had been a while since he actually felt ok.

He thought about the pain he felt when losing her. He remembered that taking his own life would only transfer all his pain onto someone else. He could not do that. He would hold on. He knew that she would want that. He would hold on to the good memories he had of her. He would remember her smile.

He stepped down from the edge. The ring traveled across his fingers one last time. He pocketed it and headed for the door that led to the stairs. He would not be completely better tomorrow, but maybe the day after that. If not then, then maybe the day after that. He would take it one day at a time.

Part 3

The Hidden Truth (Depression Series 01)

They were in love. He and her. Each from different walks of life. It was fate that brought them together that day at the bakery. Their orders were exactly the same. He chased after her on the sidewalk. When he caught up to her, he started the conversation and she engaged. That was it. They were bound together from that day.

They were perfect together. Everything just fit. It was all just right. If you ever saw them, you could tell that they were in love. They didn’t have to do anything. It was in the way he looked at her. In the way her body automatically responded to him.

She never told him how she felt when he left her. She was empty without him. He gave her so much life. More than he could ever know. Whenever he left she would be attacked by all her demons. Memories of the past that stayed on her mind all day.

She had no one to talk to. No friends. The only friends that she had were the mutual ones that she shared with him. She used to see a psychologist for her episodes, but she stopped. She was antisocial by choice. She never tried to go out of her way to make friends or meet people. She kept to herself unless he was there.

He never knew she cut herself. She hid that secret from him. He had never seen her entire body before. Even when they were intimate it was when the lights were already off. She wore long pajamas to be to cover the scars on her thighs. Three to five lines in a set. It was the only way she could release the pain from her body. It helped her to get through the episodes.

She wanted to tell him but didn’t know how he would react. He was helping her to cut less. Something inside kept the blade to her flesh. He knew that she might have been depressed, but he didn’t know how deep it went. She thanked him daily for the help he was doing with his love.

Part 2

Unknowingly Replaced

She had given up everything she had for him

Changed on the outside and even within

Even her outlook on love was different

She began to settle instead of fight

At the end of the day

She thought she did everything right

Slapped in the face

She didn’t even know

That she was already replaced

All the work she had done

Was thrown down the drain

Hurt so badly

That she would never

Easily love again

She thinks on it daily

What could she have done better

To keep him here with her

Cutting it Off

They bullied her till she cried

She tried so hard just to fit in

Changed her appearance different times

Nothing seemed good enough

Ever

She wasn’t necessarily

Her own biggest fan either

She believed the words they threw at her

Because there was no other reason in her mind

Why things were like this

It sounded like the words were trapped

In the locs of her hair

Booming into her ears

So she cut it off to cut them out

And when she realized

The words were still there

Even after running out of hair

She started cutting herself

Depression was hard to run away from

She was drowning

With no one to save her

Hard to Hate What You Love

I don’t care if you love me…
Do you?
Not that it matters
I dislike everything about you right now
But I love you so much
I despise every fiber of your body
Though I long for your touch
I can’t stand you around me…
Go jump off a bridge…
Wait! Don’t!
Argh…

You walk around with another…
So what…
Go on with your life and forget about me
It’s what I hoped would be
I say all this while secretly wishing it was me
Wrapped in your stupid arms…
The sight of you makes me sick
But my eyes are peeled on you…
Waiting for you to look over here
Don’t you care?
Well I don’t…care…if…
You’re still not looking

Here you come, (sarcastically) great…
Finally…
When I hear your voice I cover my ears
Not wanting to hear the sound…
Leaving spaces between my fingers
To hear every word you have to say…
You make me sick to my stomach
But you’re the only remedy for me
I love the person that you are…

I’m so upset…
But I can’t stop smiling at you
You make me so angry
Staying that way is hard though
Get away from me!
Still, don’t wander too far…
I need you here…
You can’t see it
But…
I’m trapped in this tug of war
Between my heart and memories
I beg to be set free
From loving you so deeply
With no means of getting away
Feelings change with the day…
The hardest thing to do
Is tell you the truth that…
I want you to stay…

Crowded

Who am I?

I have my own name

I’m just like everyone else

But I don’t feel the same

They make me feel claustrophobic

Yet I feel like no one is near

When I try to reach out

No one is there

With all these people around

I should feel safe

But in the arms of none

Is my trust placed

I say that I am OK

But that doesn’t mean I’m fine

I feel like I connect to no one

Can’t seem to find that line

I want to get their attention

I should get myself a sign

Can they hear me calling?

Maybe I should shout

Trapped in this space

Need a way out

Am I invisible?

Can I at least catch someone’s eye?

Is there one person

Who won’t just pass me by?

Maybe this phase I’m in

Is like a passing cloud

Why do I feel alone

Even when I’m in a crowd?

Remedy

You have clearly gotten over me

But

How do I get over you?

Nothing I try works

I lie to myself

Trying to reprogram my mind

Overwrite the feelings that are still there

I tell myself that I don’t love you when I do

I still do

I try to replace you with a barrage of people

That fails because at the end of the night

Or next to them the next morning

I end up making comparisons in my head

The things you would have done differently

The words you would have used

They can never be you

I need a remedy for this attachment

To break the connection that I still have

The drunken states I run to

To run from my feelings

Only last so long

The hangover that comes in the morning

Brings the feelings along with it

Closure never reached me

So I am stuck here

With a conflicted heart

Searching for a cure

I Am Tired

I Am Tired

I’m tired of seeing people holding hands
Because I don’t understand
Why I have to be a single man
When all women say to me is
You’re so adorable
But I can’t be with you
You would make a good boyfriend
But I can’t be with you
You would make any girl happy
But…I…can’t…be…with…you
If I am so perfect
Then why am I alone
Why must I end each day
In an empty home
When there are guys who are not as good
Getting more girls than they could
Ever treat right
It’s not right
Why must I be the one
Who is alone at night?
Cold
With no one to hold
In the sheets
Just playing with the folds

I Am Tired

I’m tired of seeing people
With their phones glued to their ears
People giggling together everywhere
I try to act like I don’t care
But it gets to me
That is all I see
He places a kiss on her cheek
As together they eat
Oh how sweet
Using one straw
To drink a milkshake
Fighting over the last fry
If only I could be that guy
But no
Life won’t allow things to be so
I eat in the table in the corner
By myself
I walk to class everyday
By myself
I look up at the full moon
By myself
And I must realize that this is the way it will be
For a while now it has just been me

I Am Tired

I am tired of lying in bed
And praying that the phone rings
Or that a text comes in
Something
Sitting in the darkness of my room
This wont work
Man, I wish I had homework
Because it’s the only thing that can occupy my mind
When I find
That I start tripping
Reality starts to fade and I start slipping
Thinking of things not worth thinking of in the first place
Like why do good guys finish last in this race?
Can you see the scars of love on my face?
Can you see the past in my eyes?
Having to give up the girls I wanted
To these unworthy guys
They couldn’t make them smile
Like I would
They won’t do almost anything
Like I would
They can’t make them feel like the only girl in the world
Like I would

I Am Tired

I’m tired of cupid’s arrows
Because they have no eyes to see
That I do not want to be
Head over heels
Does cupid know how it feels?
To be in love with someone
He is not the one with the broken heart
He is not the one who can’t sleep at night
He won’t be there to tell me it’s alright
So why does he shoot me
WHY DO YOU DO THIS TO ME!?
Why is it that we cannot control who we fall for?
If I could I would fall no more
I’m begging…
Please
My poor knees
I fell so much that the ground knows me by name
It’s such a shame
When will I win…this love game

I Am Tired

TIRED