Toxic Exchanges

Toxic love is something that I have identified with for a long time. Either they were toxic to me: this is the beginning of my relationship encounters, or I was toxic to them: when it was my turn to dish out the pain.

The thing about toxicity is that you don’t really see it until hindsight hits you. In high school, I couldn’t see that the people I was falling in love with were toxic to me. I fell head over heals for females who would use me. Money, help with homework, but never time and affection/attention. It felt good just to have someone. The idea of not being alone and actually acknowledged over-weighed the  pain that I should have been feeling. If I ever brought up that I felt a way about not being able to spend time with them they would break up with me. The thing was that they stuck around and continued to use me. Tearing away at me from the outside in. Attacking my heart with their venom. I started to see it the older I got. By the time I hit twelfth  grade, I knew what my worth should have been. Hell, I was the smartest person in the school. The last girl I was with in high school was the worst. She cheated and told me. Still naive, I took her back every time. It really changed my outlook on relationships.

When I started college I said screw feelings and caring about people. I let my urges control me. I was carnal. I never committed to any one person. I didn’t hide it either. Even when I was called out on it, I just shrugged it off and went along my way. I still followed my urges after. I was hated. There’s one ex I don’t like knowing that I treated badly because I see that she was a great person to me. I wish I had grown out of my ways faster. Still I have no regrets. In five years I had crippled the hearts of as many or more females. It was my retribution for all I had been through in high school.

I changed my ways and then I was back at the receiving end once again. I changed again and was called toxic. I was afraid that I would never be able to get things together. Once more I changed, once more hurt. Screw it, right? I decided to just live with myself and be happy with myself first. It worked for longer and better than before. For months, I did not attempt to have anyone with me to keep me from feeling alone. I found my happiness in books and television series. I started picking up hobbies I had ignored before. I was happy alone.

Then she came into my life and changed my view on everything. She had been through toxicity and had been toxic herself. We came together easily because we both knew what we wanted and how to show love. There’s no lies, no secrets. We know that the world around us may be toxic, but what we have is the antidote for everything that we have been through. We can cure one another.

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