More Underneath

I have never been one to weigh down

Those around me

So I am always Ok

Outwardly unbothered

Even with my sleeves stained

With my feelings

So much bottled up

Words left unsaid

People easily forgiven just to move on

I let go

Yet still hold on

Sharing is easy when you can

Instead I listen and help

Those who need an ear

I am glad that people care

But I’ll keep my thoughts in my mind

I’m Fine…

Unexpected

How can the one who is supposed to care

Make you feel the way you do now?

You’re used to smiles and laughter

But there’s only tension when they’re around

One day there are high spirits

The next they are torn down

A back turned to you…mouth zipped shut

They no longer wish to talk

Anger, sadness, and issues

All displaced onto you…

There are other means of self-defense

Why is this the one that they choose?

It’s like the blame is all yours

Everything is your fault

And here comes their wrath

Now you’re alienated from them

Because they want nothing to do with you

Even though they may have been wrong

There is no looking back…

No apologies…

No reservation that wrong was done

They feel like the hurt one

They make look it too…

Because this is what you’re used to

On the outside you show confidence

While inside you have not a clue

Of what you should do…

They continue to act the same

While you aim for a little change

Fed up with all treatment

You accept the fact that you are no longer needed

If this is what they want…

Then…

So be it…

Rejected Invitation

I asked her to dinner and she said no

I had no idea

Why she didn’t want to go with me

I mean isn’t this what you do?

Go grab a bite

Watch a movie or two

She said she was staying in

Didn’t feel too well

 

I respected her wishes and went to dinner alone

Enjoying the ambiance

Sharing jokes with the servers

Then enters her

On the arms of another

Beaming

I thought I must have been dreaming

 

I avoided eye contact

Got my dinner to go

Grabbed my coat

Tipped generously

Then headed home

I thought about what happened

It stung just a bit

I know that my endeavors

I’d have to quit

 

She always said I was a nice guy

Too nice at times

Told me that being mean must be a hard feat

I scoffed

A text came in from her

Saying “Maybe next week?”

Without a second thought

I just hit delete

Gone

They say distance makes the heart grow fonder
I hope for many reasons that this is true
As we both go our separate ways
We will see what this distance can do

Will it create anticipation of being reunited?
Have us counting down the seconds till we meet?
On each others minds for most of the day
Waiting on that day we once again become complete
Are you going to wait up because I promised to call?
Stay on the phone late trying not to yawn?
Not worried about going to sleep
The sun rises as we speak till dawn

Or will cause a schism better known as a division?
Delete the memories that were made?
Forget all the laughs and the smiles?
Cause all the feelings to slowly fade?
Will it change us from the people we used to be?
Act towards each other in a whole new way?
Our days wew once filled with sunshine;
Will it then turn to skies of gray?

They say distance makes the heart grow fonder
I hope for many reasons that this is true
I don’t know if you will miss me
But I know I’ll be missing you

Crowded

Who am I?

I have my own name

I’m just like everyone else

But I don’t feel the same

They make me feel claustrophobic

Yet I feel like no one is near

When I try to reach out

No one is there

With all these people around

I should feel safe

But in the arms of none

Is my trust placed

I say that I am OK

But that doesn’t mean I’m fine

I feel like I connect to no one

Can’t seem to find that line

I want to get their attention

I should get myself a sign

Can they hear me calling?

Maybe I should shout

Trapped in this space

Need a way out

Am I invisible?

Can I at least catch someone’s eye?

Is there one person

Who won’t just pass me by?

Maybe this phase I’m in

Is like a passing cloud

Why do I feel alone

Even when I’m in a crowd?

Remedy

You have clearly gotten over me

But

How do I get over you?

Nothing I try works

I lie to myself

Trying to reprogram my mind

Overwrite the feelings that are still there

I tell myself that I don’t love you when I do

I still do

I try to replace you with a barrage of people

That fails because at the end of the night

Or next to them the next morning

I end up making comparisons in my head

The things you would have done differently

The words you would have used

They can never be you

I need a remedy for this attachment

To break the connection that I still have

The drunken states I run to

To run from my feelings

Only last so long

The hangover that comes in the morning

Brings the feelings along with it

Closure never reached me

So I am stuck here

With a conflicted heart

Searching for a cure

The Problem With Being Different

Sometimes it sucks being a breath of fresh air. You would think that by being different from the rest, different from the past, that you would have an easy time showing someone that you can be there for them. Oh, how mistaken you are.

Human nature makes us question new things. We are hesitant to try new things, too keen on attempting something that we know will fail or going back to a place we were never happy. It’s scary, even overwhelming to have something new thrust at you. You don’t know what to do with it because you’re not used to having things the way they are. Deep down, you always know that it’s better.

This has been my experience in life. I’m different from most guys in that I’m more of a romantic and I don’t tear people down. I am selfless most of the time. Accused of being “too nice” more times than I can count or bother to count.

Currently, I am being called “too good”. I don’t yell or argue. I let her set the pace of the conversation and no matter what is said, I am not affected in a way that makes her feel like she’s done something wrong. I feel like I am giving her the impression that she has to be perfect. I don’t want perfection, never did. I love her as she is and always will.

I just need to help her get past her fear of the new and unknown.