My days, night, everything feels different these days. All because one person is missing. Change is inevitable, but there are some changes that you never expect to go through. Even though the signs are there. Someone important to me, it seems, no longer wants to be a part of my life.
Did I do the unforgivable? The answer is yes. Did I intend to? Of course not. I couldn’t help but to care and the care began to multiply over time. Before I knew it, everything that I had once put away was rushing back.
A part of me knew that one consequence would be losing him, so I still tried to hold back. She needed me. Was I supposed to turn my back on her? Abandon her? Even if I tried, I wouldn’t be able to. So I was there for her.
I did my best to push back. Step back. To give both sides advice to working things out. Isolating myself and being the objective third party. Stuck in a tug of war of loyalty. Never betraying either side. But that’s not what the world sees.
Things slowly started to change and I wondered if it was on purpose. One side faded while the other remained. One bailed on plans or plain out left me out. The other picked me up off the ground and told me it was alright. Maybe she should have been the one to abandon me. Leave me to be alone.
Not once during this whole thing have my feelings toward him changed, but I always knew that it wouldn’t be a mutual thing. I could imagine how he felt. I knew this was coming.
No more communication and God forbid I even try. I’m treated like a female who is annoying. Ignored. Brushed off. I don’t feel like I matter anymore. Yet still, I keep trying. I won’t give up until I’m told to. It’s a bad habit of mine. I just don’t want a future without him.
Maybe time with allow for things to settle back the way they once were. Time will heal all the wounds and bandage the bond that’s severed. Time will remind us of what used to be. For now, I’m just waiting.
I’m sorry if you feel betrayed.
I’m sorry that I love her.
I’m sorry it felt like you needed to leave.