I wipe the tears as they trickle down her face. One, two, three. Every third tear takes a different route down her face, the trails look like branches. Her face is wet. The tears are falling faster than my fingers can move to stop them. She’s just looking at me, sad. We both are.
We’ve been sitting in the car for ten minutes now trying to figure what we’re going to do with the situation that we found ourselves in. It’s too complicated for us to be this close. There’s too much for us both to lose. Her mouth opens as she begins to plead to me. I put my finger on her lips and mouth no to her. I just keep repeating the action every time her mouth opens. I shake my head and stare deep into her eyes. She’s staring right back with just as much intensity as I am.
The tears are still coming. How are we going to walk away from this? How are we going to survive this? We both have found the one person in life that we love above all else. She finally gets two words out. “I can’t”. I still shake my head, but say nothing. “I don’t know how to”. I know that at the end of both of those sentences, three words are missing. Each time I finish for her in my head “Live without you”.
I share her feelings, but I know, just like she does, that we are going to have to find a way to get through this. We’re going to have to walk out of each other’s lives. Again. I still shake my head, trying to hold back tears of my own, but say nothing. I could never take seeing her cry.
I finally speak and tell her exactly what she means to me and exactly what walking away from her will do to me. I tell the truth. She is what I have always been looking for. Then something tears in me. The music playing from the speakers, the moment we are in, it all comes together and I can’t take it anymore. I can’t stay in this car anymore.
I remind her that I will always be here for her and that I never stopped being here for her. She nods. I kiss her on the forehead. I say goodbye and begin to step out the car. I can feel her resistance to letting me go. I take my time to release my fingers from her hand.
I don’t look back. I can’t. If I do, I will get back in the car. I need her, I love her. But I can’t have her, I can’t love her. I walk across the parking lot and back into the building I came from. I never look back, I can’t look back. I get to my office and just sit at my desk. I stare are the laptop screen in front of me. I can’t enter data. I can’t make sense of anything. My lunch sits on the table next to me, getting cold. I’ve barely made a dent. No appetite. No will to do anything. It feels like my world has come crashing down around me.
I look out the window and see the car still parked in the spot. Every fiber in my body wants to run back to her. To hold her. To let her know that everything is going to be okay. I will myself to stay in my seat, to stay at my desk. I text her and ask her if she wants me to come back. She says no. If I do she will never be able to go through with this. I agree.
I sit watching the car. The reverse lights come on. I feel the sadness. The car backs out of the spot. More sadness. Then the car pulls away. There goes my everything. There goes my future. There goes the love of my life. There goes a tear from my right eye.
What will I do next?
(Image from Google)